Happy Birthday Mia!

WE LOVE YOU. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIA!

I just wanted to let you all know...

How much I am in love with each and every one of you.

Thank you for exsisiting

i don't know who/what/when/where/why i am

i am screaming but no one knows this.

i would say this out loud but i'm not brave enough.

i'm a stupid scared little girl.

"i can't seem to do anything right anymore"

why aren't you all here?

no one knows me.

i don't want them to.

i want to tell everyone,

but it would seem like i'm making it all up.

WHO/WHAT/WHEN/WHERE/WHY AM I?

Lately I've been thinking about:

how much I miss my aunt and how much I hate cancer.
I keep having dreams about her. Some are scary and some are good and sad.
But mostly they're just haunting and nostalgic.

This always happens this time of year.

Ode To My Homework

Hey all my lovely snow bunnies,
I sit here and write this as I should be doing my philosophy paper. But the thing is, I would rather be talking to you. I miss you guys like crazy, and I decided that the three of you need to come and visit me in this state of North Carolina sometime in the nearest future. Everyone would be jealous of us, because we are beautiful and stylish, and have a hop in our steps. Most of the time anyways.
I wanted to throw out an idea for this summer. I will be working a lot trying to save up for my trip to italy (oh boy!) but I would really love it if we could take a road trip, somewhere close and maybe stay in a bed and breakfast or something. Just take a couple of days to relax, destress, eat good food, drink good coffee, and be together. I would really like for that to happen. Let me know if you have any ideas!
Hope all is well in the wonderful land of school work, boys, mean girls, parties, and everything else. And if not, then we all have that much more in common...Love you guys like I love me some sun,

So are we over this whole blog thing?

I'm posting anyway. I've decided to make a change in the world.

wish me luck =]

love always

Forever, And ever.

So i was having one of my weekly college freak out sessions the other day. It was great, they're really fun. If you don't already you all should really think about having a few of theses sessions a month as well.

Sometimes all I want to do is talk to a good friend and get their input. Everyone you meet is going have a different set of rules they use to live their lives, which makes their advice difficult take. When there are people you've known for a long time and you know how they live their lives their words can be a breath of fresh air.


What I'm saying is you guys are the best.

You know.

show your paintings at the united nations

So I'm walking down this sidewalk one morning. Early morning, the suns just showing up and there's that fresh scent that makes you feel all nice inside. And I'm walking down this long sidewalk all by myself, no one in front of me and no one behind. For some odd reason I'm in this incredibly happy sort of serene mood that makes me wanna put a little bounce in my step... but I didn't bring my ipod and there is no music- at all... but there's no one around so i just start humming. Yes, i started humming. I don't just mean a light humming to myself, i was belting that humming out! It felt really good too. I was just like walking down the sidewalk in my own little personal movie moment and it was pretty fabulous.

The point to this story is that the whole time this was happening I just kept becoming more and more aware of the fact that I am doing nothing. I was walking and it was happy but i felt lost. Where was I walking to? (Well I was walking to class, but that's not what i mean. i just wanted you guys to know I wasn't seriously wandering the streets at sunrise humming for all to hear). I haven't done anything for anyone in a really long time. And with this whole Haiti crisis happening... well i think you can understand why this has now become a blog.

Well, I just wanted you all to know that Invisible Children has started their new tour! It's called the legacy tour and i promise you it's going to be absolutely mind blowing. Why you may ask? Well guys, they're actually bringing Ugandan teens featured in the past films to talk! I know, it's sooo cool. You should check if they're coming to your campus and if not... request them or something. At least spread the word, tell a friend or causally mention how awesome they are next time you're sippin' coffee at some shop.

Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled. For God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.

But don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only hope and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying; what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like to hide.

I don't like to play superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator - an honest-to-God creator - of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison, if you choose. Please choose to. Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

(I don't know who wrote this. My sister sent it to me.)

Hello Girls!

I just woke up from a 3-year nap and I had the most horrific dream.
Everyone we knew was in it, with characters waltzing in and out of
all of our lives.

You Girls were pretty consistent throughout the dream, even though
I did many things that should’ve driven you all away.

But during the last 8 months, terrible things began to happen:
We were scattered around the map and began to stress about
this new “college life” that was approaching far too quickly.
During the summer, sometime between Denmark and camping
trips, I broke. I fell into a million little pieces.

And as I was broken, I was shipped across the country to a gorgeous place:
Portland Oregon.

Now, since I go to Pacific Northwest College of Art, I had plenty of time
and materials to glue my pieces back together. And things were getting better.
Perhaps even beautiful and wonderful with a hint of perfection.

But Girls, guess what happened!?
Someone dropped me and I fell back into a million pieces!

Now, you see, since I already broke once before, the second time was much
more complicated. and I was so embarrassed for breaking again that I didn’t
even want to try to fix this mess! But here’s what I did:

I called my lady friends and asked for their help. Their hands were steady
and they really do have an appreciation for intricate details. And very slowly
and carefully and thoughtfully, I slowly began to come together again.

And that’s when I woke up.
…………………………………………………………………………………….
Don’t you hate it when you wake up from a dream without knowing the ending?

A baby Spike Lee

It amazes me how fast your whole disposition can change. The smallest things can affect how you feel, the way you see things, how you understand the world around you and how you deal with that world. A song or a scene of a movie all the way to a joke you heard on the bus. It’s nerve wrecking having the ability to turn into so many different identities; and freeing. Everyone has the power to be anyone and do anything and its a little mind blowing. If I can be whatever I want, then I can achieve my highest dreams. It’s brilliant, really. The optimism in this one concept is reassuring beyond mental capacity and I love it.

I read about a 16 year old director/producer. He’s been filming since he was 9 and now 7 years later is doing talk shows. What an idea to find what you love and master it. The thought is so serene and beautiful it drives me crazy. He’s an inspiration- which is perfect since the leading theme in all of his films is about children being able to fulfill their dreams. Thank you, Ben Lee Foster, for being so incredibly amazing.

So my goal? Find something i love and make it happen! I really, really need to do this, and hopefully i will. I'll keep you updated.

if you wanna learn more about him, he has a blogsite too! I bet you feel cool now, you should. Its about him and his films. 16 years old with 12 short films? what the hell. hes awesome. I need to get on my game (i need to get my head in the game! hah) ... here you go:

http://blffilmfestival.blogspot.com/

a Cinnamon Bread Adobe

Last night Wes and I had our little Christmas time where we exchanged gifts and watched movies and stuff like that. I was determined to get him to make a gingerbread house with me, which is my favorite part of the season. He agreed and the fun ensued.

Then we ran into a problem, we didn't have a kit and all the stores were closed. That was ok, I decided I would just bake the pieces from scratch. Then I realized, hey I'm making these from scratch I might as well make them how I want! (aka NO ginger). So I changed the recipe to Cinnamon bread (YUM).

Wesley brought over a huge bag of candy and we went to work decorating our house!

Wesley working on our Adobe

The front door of our house, Wes is the cinna-person on the left and i'm on the right

Wesley wanted to hang Gummy Bears from the back--they were the tastiest

my Jelly Bean Christmas Tree!

By the end of the night Wesley was dying to eat our house so we did and it tasted amazing

:)

Love you All!

Oh! P. S. : When Wesley first walked into my Grandma's house the first thing she said was "oh! I really didn't remember you being so good-looking!" hahaha

An Early Christmas

So today my mom, grandma, sister, and I had an early Christmas dinner. In other words, I spent the whole day cooking--which is fine with me any day. I ended up making my first ever Turkey with a butter-thyme rub, herb-roasted red potatoes, candied sweet potatoes, salt and pepper green beans, a pear and goat cheese tart, and a caramel-apple cheesecake.

Almost everything turned out ok, I wish I could have done a better job on the gravy and cheesecake, but I was happy with the meal in general.

I love you all!

Brothers (No Spoilers I Promise!)

So today, Wesley and I went to go see Brothers. We hadn't planned on it, this was a completely spontaneous and chance decision. It was definitely some of the best two or so hours I've spent this break.

The movie stars Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, and the always-wonderful Natalie Portman. In my opinion they hit the jack pot when casting for this movie; everyone was absolutely perfect. The chemistry all three of them had together on screen was incredible and it didn't hurt that many people already confuse Maguire and Gyllenhaal for brothers in real life.

Everyone did a great job but there are a few members of the cast that gave a flawless performance. I've never really been much of a fan of Tobey Maguire but seeing his role in this movie blew me away. It was beautiful, tragic, and haunting with just the right amount of intensity.

But what really blew my mind was the performance of Bailee Madison who played Tobey and Natalie's daughter Isabelle. The complexity she brought to her role was stunning and she's only ten years old! This little girl definitely has a major career in front of her.

To all of you: please go see this movie, it is definitely one of the best in a while

Love

To all of my loves,

my favorite loves in all of this world, I have missed you since I have been away. I don't know if I can make it without you there, everything is so different since we have gone our separate ways. New people, new places, new streets to explore...yet...without you there its no fun and no fair. I laugh out loud with the memory of old jokes, looking around for someone to understand, but you aren't there.

I mostly just want you guys to know how important you are to mean and how much you really do mean to me. I don't know what I would do without you.

This is my first post so it kind of sucks, but hopefully they will get better and more creative.

<3,>

P.S. I want to be her.

Merry Christmas...not. (a rant by Mia Jackson)

Well, where to start. Today was pretty much an awful day all around. Screaming, yelling, throwing things (me mostly). As you all know i have a pretty crappy relationship with my sister unfortunately and lately things have been at their worst. I'm not going to go into who is to blame for what happened today because everyone has their own part. Things in my family have always been pretty intense i guess, and thats alright. Some families are just more dysfunctional than others, but i guess thats what makes life interesting. It would just be nice to have a "real" family sometimes, especially around the holidays. I realized today that maybe we are just doomed to be a "broken family"... like my mom told me, we aren't really a family in the way i would like to think and i have to accept that. I don't want this to sound like a "sob story" as my sister would say. At all. I don't want anyone to feel remotely sorry for me or take this anyway other than a rant. I know there a lot of people a lot worse off than me.

But anyways, to get to the point, I have a song to share with you all. It is one of those songs that is perfect to listen to on repeat on those days when you are losing all faith in humanity and goodwill. It's perfect to hum, sing, (or if you're me) scream to.

Sari by Nellie McKay

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't apologize so much
That it's jive it's a crutch
I just used when I'm judged
Bein' fudged by a face I can't erase and can't see
Cuz I misplaced a dossier or Monty Python CD
Or somethin' stupid like that
But jesus is that so bad
To make my ego go splat
Like a tire goin' flat
Or fat on a big mac
I'm bein' attacked
Tit for tat
You fuckin' bureaucrats
You can just apologize back

Well now I don't mean to offend, much
Just comprehend
When you're female and you're fenced in and
Phen-phened to no end
And no zen guide to men will help you fend off the brethren
And then the pen appears
And better than the oxygen network
Or the sword or the spear or the fork
Or the bored pork-fed horde
It's a mooring post
The whore you'll miss the most when you're away
When you're in Snowshoe PA
Doin' some play from Backstage
That deals with AIDS and race and gays and
Relationships and ballet
And then you're like "hey yay what'd you say?
I can just sing my troubles away?"
But then you're fucked
'cause you gotta make a buck
And the whole world sucks
And you're like a lame duck
That's lyin' dyin' tryin' to sell out
But there's no one buyin' and there's all this doubt
And you can preen and dream and scream and shot
But your life's affliction is the fiction of Faust

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
I also mirror this apology
This idealogy of sorry
In part of the liberal theology that's leading us to hari-kari
It's like a mythology, almost
Like a malingering ghost
As we slowly decompose
Writing in the grave of the polls
Cryin' for Senator Wellstone and then proceeding to moan
At our own supposed sabotage of the elections at home
"oh somebody phone home!
The American people have spoken!"
Now is that certain?
Maybe those nice Midwestern folks were just jokin'
In any case there's no use in dopin' chokin' mopin' and sobbin'
Come on you disheartenin' dobbins
Sayin' sorry is my problem
So to conclude
I'm a little of a prude
So it's difficult for me to have to allude
To all this rude crude verbal baggage
But I manage cuz I'm a savage inside
I may listen to Enya's greatest hits
And try to control my hissy fits with pride
Won't get my hair dyed
But oh the onus of lyin' all the time
I don't wanna say, "diiiie motherfucker!"
But I wouldn't mind if you did
Sometimes even the nice girl's ego has to override the id
And so before I flip my lid my crib
And get myself out of this bind
You can hear what's on my lips but you don't know
What's in my mind

Listen:

1/7

alright everyone....

I'm officially finished with one semester of college!

now just seven more to go!

and now I will leave you all with an inspirational video

(Bebo, this is for you)

what are you all listening to these days?

This is to you (all of you)

This is the best blog of our lives. I swear we didn't know what we were missing. Mia woke up and had this brilliant idea, and now we'll always be close. I just thought I'd let you know, I'm going to write about my life and how my days go. I'm going to talk about movies, music, and maybe basketball. This is my first blog not for a grade- and I think you all remember senior seminar. So let's have fun and make this blog really count, and let people around the world creep on us. We should probably try to be a little funny- you never know who might be reading. Create some edge but let's just be ourselves. This blog could get us our own reality show! If it did I would decline. I don't think i could be more entertaining than the Hills. How I would love to fight Kristin for her "Bitch" title, but we all know I would lose... So I guess what I am saying is, I hope this blog does nothing more than keep us friends together. I don't think that's asking much, and I don't think that will be hard to do. I really miss you guys, and I love all of you.

Good luck with your finals, try to hurry home soon.
If you make it here by Saturday- we can all watch my team win or lose.

And i apologize, I wrote this all to a song in my head. I think it reads a little funny if you can't here the beat each sentence hits. So just know, in my head, this flows perfectly well.

The 19th Anniversary of Kara

Where are we going?

...we're going to a party..

It's a birthday party!

It's your birthday party!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING

we love you very

very

very

very

very

very

very much